Open Letter to Krystal Crittendon, Corporation Counsel for the City of Detroit

Michigan Capitol - Photo by Frank Nemecek

Dear Ms. Crittendon:

It seems that Mayor Dave Bing has thrown you under the bus by initially supporting your lawsuit against the State of Michigan, then saying that he's neutral, and now - in a third change of his position in less than 2 weeks - he now says that he opposes it, but is powerless to stop it. It seems that Mayor Bing wants you run this fool's errand, but doesn't want the foolishness to be seen as being on his hands.

That must put you in a very lonely position, one only made worse by media outlets calling for your removal from office. The fact that almost every attorney, and even most law students, in Michigan ridicules your interpretation of the law presumably adds insult to this injury.

Luckily, there are a few things that you can do to make what will most likely be last days as an attorney more enjoyable.

File Motions in Klingon

Michigan Court Rules, believe it or not, do not specifically require attorneys to file their motions in the English language. Therefore, in the interest of making you seem more intimidating, I recommend that you file all of your motions, briefs, and appeals in this case in the Klingon language.

I'm certain that our friends at the Klingon Language Institute will be happy to help with the translation. Besides, it's not like people will take you any less seriously once you start speaking in Klingon.

Re-File Your Lawsuit in England

The Michigan Territory was returned to the United States after the Treaty of Ghent in December of 1814. This treaty called for the purchase of land as a buffer zone between American forces and Native American tribes that were loyal to the British Crown. The land was never paid for, in violation of said treaty, so this is clearly a defaulted debt, similar to the ones that form the basis for your lawsuit.

If the alleged debt between the State of Michigan and the City of Detroit voids the consent agreement then a similar debt between Great Britain and the United States must also void the Treaty of Ghent. This, in turn, means that Michigan is properly a part of Great Britain. Thus, your case should be heard in London.

Oh, and as a bonus, British judges love it when you speak Klingon in their courtrooms.

Pay-Per-View

No matter where you file your lawsuit or what language you file the paperwork in, this case will eventually end up in a courtroom and the City of Detroit will still be broke in spite of the exceptional financial management skills of everyone in the Coleman A. Young Municipal Center. When this happens, I believe that it should become a pay-per-view event.

People around the globe will gladly pay $9.95 to watch a judge delegate to a first-year law student the task of explaining the inherent absurdities of this case to you. This should easily get you the $224 million that you are looking for from the State of Michigan.

Unless, of course, that first-year law student decides to start speaking in Vulcan. Nobody pays to hear someone talk in Vulcan.

Sincerely,
Your Friends at the Warrendale (Detroit) Blog