Robert Mueller discusses the report

Old Ebbitt Grill in Washington, DC - Creative Commons photo by David, Flickr 

It was a chilly evening in Washington, DC when I stepped into the Old Ebbitt Grill on 15th Street. I had never been here before but as soon as crossed its threshold, I recognized this small restaurant from a dozen other places around the country with a different name but the same feel.

Its dark interior, lit with only a small lamp on each table. The aroma of rich food and fine wine filled the air with a subtle scent of old leather. This is the place where Washingtonians of the Old Boy’s Club could safely meet with outsiders over a meal or drinks.

I spotted the man that I came here to see at a table in the corner. Depending on who one asked, he was either the man who gave Congress a roadmap to impeach the President of the United States or the man who lead a two-year long witch hunt; a witch hunt that would ultimately provide that same President with a total vindication.

“Hi, there, Frank,” he said as I approached his table.

“Good evening, Mr. Mueller,” I replied. “I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to talk with me tonight.”

“It’s okay,” he added with a subtle grin and a wink. “Susan spoke highly of you.”

Back during the summer of 1994, I served as a driver for Congressman John Dingell. He lived less than a mile from me and I got to chauffeur him around from campaign event to the next. It was during those moments driving from one stop to another that Mr. Dingell imparted at least shared of his wisdom with me.

My pick for President

Today is the day.

Today is the day that voters across Michigan go to the polls to choose their preferred candidate in the presidential primary.

Will it be Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders for the Democrats?

Among the Republicans, we can choose among luminaries like Donald Trump, who recently spent time in Detroit letting everyone know that his hands - and, by logical extension, his penis - are all of more than adequate size. (Side note: I really, really wish I could say that I was making this part up. Sadly, it's all true.)

Other worthy Republicans include U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, U.S. Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, and Governor John Kasich of Ohio.

Each of these candidates has their own set of pros and cons. However, in my opinion, there is one person who outshines them all.

One candidate with hands large enough to make Donald Trump's seem small and dainty.

One candidate with more experience than Clinton, Sanders, Cruz, Rubio, and Kasich combined.

One candidate who we can count on to lead us during our darkest hour.

One candidate who we can count on to lead us towards the light.

Ladies and gentlemen, I urge you to go to the polls today and choose Chewbacca. Let the Wookie win!

Revolutionary proposal for Detroit

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to propose a simply yet revolutionary idea; one that I believe will solve a great many problems for Detroit.

Steel cage match - Photo by Simon Q.

Imagine, if you will, a Steel Cage Death Match between the persistently controversial and rarely useful George Cushingberry, Jr. of the Detroit City Council and that relic from another time and space L. Brooks Patterson of Oakland County. I submit that no matter what the outcome of this hypothetical match-up might be, Detroit will win.

Cushingberry, of course, earlier this month claimed that he was racially profiled by police officers who were too far away to see whether or not he was using his turn signal. One could wonder how it might be possible for police officers who were that far away could even see the skin color of a driver. I, however, will not dwell on the idea for too long. I stopped trying to make sense of him decades ago.

As for Patterson, well, there are so many things that I could satirize him for that I'm not sure which one to go with first. Some conspiracy theorists, in fact, might even argue that he died years ago, but is simply being kept alive artificially so that local pundits have a go-to source of material.

As an added bonus, between ticket sales for the Cushingberry vs. Patterson Steel Cage Death Match and its pay-per-view rights, Detroit should be able to save her retirees' pensions and and still preserve all of the art at the Detroit Institute of Arts.

I simply cannot see a downside to this idea.

Bumping Into Paul Tait

Penthouse Club Detroit - Secret Headquarters of SEMCOG
Photo by Frank Nemecek

When I first walked into the Penthouse Club, my attention immediately went to the mostly naked gyrating bodies on stage. There is something about a barely clothed woman spinning on a pole that will grab anyone’s attention. After a moment, though, I allowed by eyes to scan the rest of this establishment.

There was a group of middle aged white men at a table at the far end of the club that I thought I recognized. I took a few steps towards them. For better or worse, one of them recognized me before I recognized him.

“You’re that blogger,” he called out. “You’re the reason ‘#AbolishSEMCOG’ was trending on Twitter last Friday.”

“And you must be Paul Tait, executive director of Southeast Michigan Council of Governments,” I replied as I continued to walk towards them.

“And these are the rest of the people that you would put out of a job,” he added as he gestured to his staff seated around the table.

“Am I interrupting anything, gentlemen?” I inquired.

“Just our usual staff meeting,” one of the others replied.

“Well, as long as I’ve got you here,” I wondered aloud, “do you mind if I ask for you a few questions as an interview for my blog?”

Both Flattered and Disappointed

It is both flattering and disappointing when people aren't sure whether or not a piece that I've written is real; a piece that I specifically labelled as satire. On one hand, it means that my skills as a writer are strong enough to suspend a reader's disbelief no matter what. That, of course, is quite flattering to me as a writer.

On the other hand, well, it just makes me worry about some people. It really does make me worry about them.

Memo to Self: I must only use this power of mine for good.

Addendum to Above Memo: Earning enough money to keep the single moms at the Toy Chest Bar fed and clothed counts as "good."

New Jobs Coming to Michigan - Any Minute Now

As of this afternoon, the great state of Michigan is now a right-to-work state. We are the 24th such state in the union; joining such economic and cultural powerhouses as Alabama, Arkansas, and Mississippi.

If one believes Governor Rick Snyder, the Republicans in the Michigan Legislature, and the super-geniuses at the Mackinac Center for Public Policy then a multitude of new, good-paying jobs will be headed to Michigan any minute now.

Any minute now.

Confessions of a Powerball Winner

Photo by Billy Alexander

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I have a very important announcement to make this morning.

I won the Powerball.

Yes, it's true. I won the Powerball last night.

Well, almost...

You see, by "won" I mean that I didn't bother to play the incredibly popular Powerball; opting instead to spend my money on beer. I mean, how much more of a winner at life could one person possibly be?

This, by the way, relates to something that I learned while working at Merrill Lynch in the back in late-1990's. Beer almost always provides a better return on one's investment than lottery tickets do.

Off-hand, I would have to say that all but 2 of the individuals who sacrificed their beer money to buy Powerball tickets yesterday will agree with me on this one.

The Next Coach of the Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions lost another football game yesterday afternoon. This marks the 10th time in a row that they have lost on Thanksgiving.

One of the big factors in their loss today was a controversial Houston touchdown run by Justin Forsett in the 3rd quarter. One would think the officials would have seen his knee was down after the Lions tackled him well before getting to the end zone, but they did not, so it counted.

It also counted because Jim Schwartz, head coach for the Detroit Lions, threw the challenge flag when he shouldn't have.

This leads to one of the most profound ironies of my day. I realized this afternoon that, with the NFL being the way it is, the best possible coach for the Detroit Lions isn't a great strategist nor is it someone who can give great motivational speeches in the locker room. The best coach isn't even someone who knows a lot about football.

Instead, considering the way the NFL operates today, the best possible coach is probably a really good attorney. In the modern NFL, teams need to have lawyers standing by to make sure that every arcane rule is followed and that all of those rules work to their team's advantage.

And that's probably the saddest part of all.

Let Louisiana Be "Free"

The State of Louisiana collects $1.78 from the U.S. Treasury for every $1 they pay in federal taxes, according to a report published by Business Insider. After the election last week, Michael E. from Slidell, Louisiana started a petition for the Pelican State to leave the Union. Quite frankly, this is the equivalent of a dead-beat moocher promising to never try to borrow money from you again.

Please take a moment to sign this petition. I doubt Louisiana will actually leave. After all, people who are getting free money rarely stop taking it. Regardless, I think it'll be fun to see where this leads us.

The petition is on-line here.

Update @ 10:56 a.m.

I came across this story over the weekend, but didn't want to publish something this controversial during a national holiday. I thus held the story until this morning, when Blogger published it for me automatically at 8:30 a.m. There have, however, been several developments since I drafted this story.

Since then, residents of more than twenty other states have drafted similar petitions on the White House's We the People site. As of this moment, only the petition to allow Texas to succeed has garnered the 25,000 signatures required by the White House for this to be taken seriously.

Unfortunately, one of those states with a petition in the works is Michigan. The petition was started by Lynn B., who would not confirm where he or she lives. We don't know if this person actually lives in Michigan. Regardless, I have to say that I am profoundly disappointed in this.

It's one thing when freeloading states have a petition like this. I don't expect anything less from them. However, we're Michigan. We are better than this.

Update @ 11:06 a.m.

There is now a petition on the White House's site to strip everyone who signed one of those succession petitions of their citizenship and exile them. It's on-line here.

I don't think this petition will go any further than the succession petitions. However, I like the idea of fighting fire with fire.

Conversation with Detroit Police Chief Ralph Godbee

Ralph Godbee Wants Another Coffee

In an effort to get to the bottom of what is going on within the Detroit Police Department, I recently sat down with Ralph L. Godbee, Jr., chief of the Detroit Police Department. His comments on the record were nothing if not candid and they offer incredible insight into the problems facing Detroit.

Below is an unedited transcript of our lengthy conversation.

________________________________________________

Thank you for taking the time to talk with me this afternoon, Chief Godbee.

It's a pleasure, Frank. I just want to start by saying that I love how you host those monthly pizza parties and bring folks from as far away as Ann Arbor to spend money here in the city of Detroit. Everyone who is a part of Team Bing appreciates you doing that.

Why, thank you, Chief - it's good of you to notice. Now, if I may, I'd like to ask a question that might seem a little harsh, but so many Detroiters are asking it, I'd be remiss if I didn't put it to you: Chief Godbee, why do you need to have 12 assistants?