Will Detroit be able to sweep this street?

DPW says they're going to sweep this - Photo by Frank Nemecek

According to the signs that are posted from one end of Ashton Ave. to the other in Warrendale, the City of Detroit's Department of Public Works is supposed to sweep the streets today. I mean, that is what the signs say.

Personally, I wonder if they're going to be able to do it. What do you think?

I mean, maybe if they got the sweepers really, really hot or something.

Update at 8:07 p.m.
The "no parking" signs are now gone. The street, however, has not been swept.

I'm totally shocked.

My rant about publicists

WTF cat - Image from somewhere deep in the bowels of the Internet

I feel a need to rant about something related to this blog. To be specific, I feel a need to talk about publicists.

The Warrendale Detroit Blog has gained a reputation an influential social media site over the past 14 years. As a result, I receive multiple emails from one publicist or another pretty much every day who is looking for me to cover one thing or another for them.

These requests or pitches from publicists in the Detroit area as well as nationally and even internationally from time to time. Most of these contacts are professional and are appreciated, even if I don't always feel like they are the best fit for this blog.

However, I was contacted by two publicists today who possessed a level of dumbassitude that was simply on another level.

I had to tell one particular publicist this afternoon that the Warrendale Detroit Blog does not normally cover community events in Chula Vista, California. I suppose if it were a big enough story that Detroiters would be interested in it, I might cover it. However, a community health fair that is held more than 2,300 miles away does not even come close to meeting such a threshold.

This, by the way, was right after having to tell a different publicist from New York that Detroit, Michigan and Des Moines, Iowa are not in the same time zone. Not. Even. Close.

Anyway, I mention all of this purely in hope that others will see the comedy in this stupidity.

SpongeBob SquarePants presents the weather

Over the 14 years of publishing the Warrendale Detroit Blog, I have endeavored to innovate constantly; to bring readers new features that make their lives better and our neighborhood a nicer place to live. This quest for innovation has led to some interesting partnerships throughout the years and today I am pleased present what is quite possibly the most interesting of all partnerships.

The Warrendale Detroit Blog has teamed up with SpongeBob SquarePants to provide readers with a quick summary of the weather forecast across Michigan for the next few days.

Without further ado, I give you the Michigan weather forecast from SpongeBob SquarePants.

via GIPHY

There you have it. I don't think anyone could sum up what readers can expect from the weather in Michigan quite like SpongeBob SquarePants.

I'm proud of the Warrendale Detroit Blog and its legacy of innovation. If you would like to see SpongeBob SquarePants continue giving his weather forecasts like this, please leave a comment below and let me know what you think. You can also leave a comment on the Facebook page for this blog.

Until next time, I want to say, "Thank you, SpongeBob SquarePants. Thank you."

The wonderful Warren Medical Center

Exterior of the Warren Medical Clinic - Photo by Frank Nemecek

I have previously posted on some of the terrible things that can happen at some of the businesses in Detroit's Warrendale neighborhood. I figured, therefore, that I should mention one particular business that is obviously putting so much energy into improving our community. I am talking, of course, about the Warren Medical Center (16921 W. Warren Ave.).

I haven't had the privilege of being a patient at this august facility. However, when one looks at how wonderfully the Warren Medical Center maintains the exterior of their property, I can only imagine the diligent concern and care that they have for each and every one of their lucky patients.

I mean really, just look at what is in front of the Warren Medical Center.

Sidewalk in front of the Warren Medical Center - Photo by Frank Nemecek

While other business in the Detroit area might pollute their surroundings with annoying things like concrete sidewalks, the Warren Medical Center has taken the effort to ensure that the sidewalk in front of their establishment is completely covered in ice and snow. I can only imagine the joy that this would bring to a patient who is coming to this clinic must have as he or she try to seek treatment for an injury sustained elsewhere as they traverse this miniature artic wonder.

I would not be surprised if each of them got down on their hands and knees to celebrate such an experience. It's truly a joy that the Warren Medical Center has brought to Detroit.

I'm even confident that many Detroiters who walk past the Warren Medical Center in its current condition will suddenly realize that they need medical treatment.

I'm confident that I speak for everyone in Warrendale when I say that we are uniquely lucky to have such a place as the Warren Medical Clinic in our little corner of Detroit.

Things that make me laugh

Screenshot from my email this afternoon - Photo by Frank Nemecek

From the category of things that make me laugh, I got an email today from Amazon.com that recommended a certain book. The simple fact that they sent me such an email, in and of itself, is not big deal.

It's really what Amazon recommended that I should read next that made me laugh.

I mean, I have absolutely no idea why the folks at Amazon would think that I'd be interested in a science fiction novel called The Roswell Chronicles by some guy named Frank Nemecek.

No idea at all.

Warrendale wonders about vampires

I've been thinking about vampire stories a lot lately, for some reason. One of the things that amazes me about them is how universal the concept is.

The mythos about vampires seems to have originated in ancient Greece where precursors to them were seen in legends such as the stories of the shape-shifting women known as Empusa as well as the Lamia, which were ancient women who became monsters that ate children.  These legends were later adopted by the ancient Romans who, in turn, spread their stories throughout Eupore.

The legend of the vampire eventually spread to the Americas. The mythos took hold in stories throughout the Caribean about the Soucouyant, reclusive elderly women who took to the skies at night in search of victims who blood she could drink. Similar legends were told from Chile to Connecticut and on into Canda.

Vampires, by the way, were not unique to the Western world either. There were similar stories about shape-shifting, blood-sucking (usually female) monsters throughout Asia. These legends existed in Cambodia, India, Indonesia, Malaysia, and the Philippines well before any known contact with Europeans or Americans.

In fact, about the only place where vampire-like legends were not common was in Africa in particular and sub-Saharan Africa in particular. There has been much speculation in scholarly circles about why nothing like vampires among the people of sub-Saharan Africa.

One of the more interesting theories has to do with the fact that vampires in all of their forms are often killed with Holy Water...

And they bless the rains down in Africa.

Prohibition ends. Detroiters lose lucrative income

It's worth noting that 85 years ago today, a whole bunch of Detroiters lost their rather lucrative careers.

This, of course, was because Prohibition was officially repealed 85 years ago today. With that action, it became legal to manufacture, distribute, and sell alcohol in the United States

While the end of Prohibition was great news for most Americans, I feel one should at least acknowledge that a lot of Detroiters lost their lucrative careers smuggling liquor from Windsor, Ontario, Canada into the United States by simply crossing the Detroit River in one manner or another.

There are several write-ups on Detroit's history with prohibition. I won't repeat all of them here. I will simply say that what I believe to the best overview of this moment in history can be found here. There is also a multitude of photos from the Prohibition era in Detroit over on Pinterest.

Happy Repeal Day, America! 

Open Letter to Keith Crane

The editor-in-chief of Crain's Detroit Business, Keith Crain, published an op-ed recently that was highly critical of dedicated bicycle lanes in Detroit. I wrote a response to him, which my readers will find below.

If Mr. Crain responds to me, I'll be certain to include his rebuttal in a future post. Without further ado, I present my open letter to Keith Crain.

_________________

Dear Keith Crain:

You seem confused by the City of Detroit's decision to install bike lanes in many parts of the Motor City. You even asked whose idea it was and why you didn't hear about it before those municipal bureaucrats began implementing it.

Since you asked, I'll answer.

The idea of adding bike lanes was discussed extensively when Detroiters began debating the future of our city. There were several meetings about this back in 2011 - 12 where residents, business owners, and other stakeholders came together to consider our options as part of the Detroit Works Project and, later, the Detroit Future City project.

Adding bike lanes and offering residents and visitors multiple options to get where they need to go were one of the many principles that were discussed and agreed to.

I'm not surprised that you weren't familiar with this, though. Crain's Detroit Business was the only media outlet in southeastern Michigan that didn't cover those meetings. In order to avoid confusion like this in the future, I suggest that you pick up a subscription to the Detroit Free Press.

Your pal,
Frank

TARDIS comes to Detroit

Will the Doctor mind if I borrow this?
Photo by Dan Zemke

The TARDIS has landed in Detroit. It's currently in the Woodbridge neighborhood - at the northeast corner of Vermont St. and W. Warren Ave. - not far from Warrendale at all.

Fans of Dr. Who already know that the TARDIS is time machine/spacecraft that allows the Doctor to travel to any point in space or time in the universe. Its exterior appearance merely resembles a British police call box from the 1960s.

What many don't already know is that the TARDIS is also a free lending library that serves Detroiters. Anyone in the area is welcome to stop by and open its doors. One can then either take any of the books inside or leave a book for others to enjoy.

There are more than 100 books inside the TARDIS already. These titles range from non-fiction to most genres of fiction. Anyone could find a book they might enjoy inside of it.

TARDIS, of course, is an acronym for Totally Awesome Reading Dispensary In Society. There are some fans of the Dr. Who show believe that it stands for something utterly ridiculous like Time And Relative Dimension In Space. However, as I have already alluded to, such theories are utterly ridiculous.

Interior of the TARDIS
Photo by Frank Nemecek

I have been authorized to reveal that the current Time Lord who pilots this particular TARDIS uses the name Dan Zemke while he is occupying our current segment of time/space. His precise relationship to the Doctor is not known at this time.

For those who are interested in making a road trip this fall, the TARDIS is scheduled to make an appearance at ArtPrize in Grand Rapids. If all goes according to plan, it will land at the corner of Monroe and Pearl Streets in front of the PNC Building.

Of course, knowing how the TARDIS moves through time and space, it may already be there. That, however, is a subject for another blog post.

Anyway, more information is available on the Time Lord-approved Facebook page for this library here.

I simply want to add that the TARDIS is the Cool Warrendale Thing of the Week, even those it's located outside of the Warrendale neighborhood. After all, anyone who has ever watched an episode of Dr. Who knows that time and space are relative concepts.

Dr. Ben Carson from Detroit

Dr. Ben Carson - Photo by Michael Vadon

Retired brain surgeon and Republican presidential candidate, Dr. Ben Carson, has been at the center a media firestorm in recent weeks. Much of it centers over details from his past, such as questions as to whether or not the story that he once stabbed a man as a teenager is true.

I don't normally discuss presidential politics on this blog. While Dr. Carson isn't from the Warrendale neighborhood, he is from Detroit. There is at least one portion of this scandal that I feel an overwhelming urge to opine about.

That is this: You know someone is from Detroit when them not stabbing another person is the basis for a presidential scandal.

And that, quite frankly, is all that I feel needs to be said about this matter.

Don't leave your keys in your car overnight

I see some rather strange things as I go running or walking through the streets of Detroit's Warrendale neighborhood. (Okay - I see strange things everywhere. It's just the ones in Warrendale that fit this blog.) Regardless, I was surprised to see a set of keys dangling from a car door on Ashton near Kirkwood recently.

I also wonder which happened first: the owner coming back to retrieve his or her keys or someone taking advantage of this situation and stealing said car.

Obama's chemtrails keep Detroit from record-setting snow

The snow that was supposed to hit Detroit today isn't coming after all. As one looks at the extended weather forecast, it becomes clear that Detroiters aren't likely to have anymore snow this season.

This, of course, means that Detroiters will not cross the proverbial threshold. We will not beat the all-time record for snowiest year in recorded history.

Multiple chemtrails - Photo by NOAA

I think we can all agree that this is the fault of President Barack Obama. He had the guys doing chemtrail spraying work overtime in January and February to get us close to this record. But then, being the tyrant that he is, he had them stop just short of the record.

Curse you, President Obama! Curse you.

Revolutionary proposal for Detroit

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to propose a simply yet revolutionary idea; one that I believe will solve a great many problems for Detroit.

Steel cage match - Photo by Simon Q.

Imagine, if you will, a Steel Cage Death Match between the persistently controversial and rarely useful George Cushingberry, Jr. of the Detroit City Council and that relic from another time and space L. Brooks Patterson of Oakland County. I submit that no matter what the outcome of this hypothetical match-up might be, Detroit will win.

Cushingberry, of course, earlier this month claimed that he was racially profiled by police officers who were too far away to see whether or not he was using his turn signal. One could wonder how it might be possible for police officers who were that far away could even see the skin color of a driver. I, however, will not dwell on the idea for too long. I stopped trying to make sense of him decades ago.

As for Patterson, well, there are so many things that I could satirize him for that I'm not sure which one to go with first. Some conspiracy theorists, in fact, might even argue that he died years ago, but is simply being kept alive artificially so that local pundits have a go-to source of material.

As an added bonus, between ticket sales for the Cushingberry vs. Patterson Steel Cage Death Match and its pay-per-view rights, Detroit should be able to save her retirees' pensions and and still preserve all of the art at the Detroit Institute of Arts.

I simply cannot see a downside to this idea.

Snowzilla Comes to Detroit

Winter snowstorm | Stock photo by Public Domain Images/Pixabay

As a massive snowstorm heads towards Detroit, more than a few people around town are starting to freak out. One of my brothers, as a matter of fact, is referring to this as the Snow Storm of Death. I however think Snowzilla simply sounds so much better.

Regardless of what one prefers to call this weather, there are a couple of things that are abundantly clear. The first point is that it is going to snow in Detroit. There is going to be a lot of it and it is going to be cold.

As for everyone who is freaking out this impending snowstorm, I would simply like to say that every part of the country has their own natural disasters to deal with. I believe these things are simply God's way of reminding us who is in charge on this planet.

Here, by the way, are a few examples of what people in other parts of these United States have to deal with on a regular basis:

• Southern coastal states have to deal with hurricanes;
• Florida has those same hurricanes as well as flying cockroaches;
• The Plains have tornadoes so regularily that their home is referred to as Tornado Alley;
• California has earthquakes, mudslides, and wildfires;
• And last but not least, Las Vegas has to deal with Britney Spears.

In Michigan, all that we have to deal with is snow. Sometimes, we have lots and lots of snow.

It can be a pain in the butt to deal with this much snow. Regardless, I would rather deal with a snowstorm than any of the things listed above.

Send Miley Cyrus to Syria

Miley Cyrus in Detroit, Michigan, a photo by samborowski on Flickr.

I believe that, rather than bombing Syria over the Assad regime's use of chemical weapons, the United States should send Miley Cyrus over there instead. In fact, I started a petition on the White House web site, asking President Barack Obama to do just that. If you are so wiling, I would appreciate it if you took a moment to sign my petition on We the People.

Sending Miley Cyrus to Syria would accomplish what I believe are four important objectives for American foreign policy in the 21st century.

1. Her endless, overdone twerking will punish President Bashar al-Assad and his regime for their apparent use of chemical weapons against dissidents within Syria;
2. It will provide an adequate deterrent against Iran, North Korea, or any other rogue nation from using weapons of mass destruction against unarmed civilians;
3. It will rid the American people of the Miley Cyrus menace once and for all; and
4. It will accomplish all of this with minimal risk of American causalities - other than Miley Cyrus, of course.

There are those who argue that this is an extreme measure. Some of my friends have even argued that it might be considered a war crime for the United States to do such a thing. However, after a great deal of reflection, I believe that it is a risk we as a nation must take.

I hope that you will join me in encouraging President Obama to send Miley Cyrus to Syria than bombing them. My petition to the White House is available on-line here.

Real cause of Detroit's bankruptcy

Since July 18, when Kevyn Orr filed for chapter nine bankruptcy protection on behalf of the City of Detroit and made the Motor City the largest municipality to do so, there has been a plethora of pundits who have offered their own theories about why our city went bust. According to a columnist at Forbes, for example, Detroit's bankruptcy is the result of former President Richard Nixon abolishing the gold standard in 1971. Steve Dibert at MFI-Miami, however, blames a large chunk of it on credit default swaps and the $5 billion that Detroit lost due to banks manipulating the LIBOR index.

Others targets for blame among the vastness of bankruptcy pundits include:

• Corrupt politicians;
• Racism;
• Urban sprawl;
• Poor management;
• Collapse of American manufacturing;
• General neglect from Lansing and/or Washington;
• High taxes/socialism; and
• Strawberry yogurt.

I, however, blame all of this on the Canadians.

Yes, you read that correctly. I place blame for the largest municipal bankruptcy in American history squarely on the maple syrup-loving shoulders of the Canadian people.

After all, Detroit is the only major American city that is north of Canada. This fact makes us especially vulnerable to their insidious manipulation.

I mean, just think of Canada's impact on our fair city. Hockey Night in Canada shows up on televisions throughout the Motor City. Labatt Beer or Molson Canadian are served in almost every bar in Detroit. Plus, there's the fact that almost every Detroiter has at least a few Canadian coins in their pocket, which undermines our economy.

Yes, I blame Canada for all of the problems that one of this nation's great cities is currently experiencing and I'm not the only one who feels this way. Academy Award winning actor, and Detroit Country Day alumnus, Robin Williams obviously agrees with me on this point.

Detroit Sends Cash to Dearborn

Earlier this afternoon, I saw a marked car from the Dearborn Police Department operating a speed trap along the Southfield Freeway, but within the Detroit city limits. For the record, it's been years since I've a car from the Detroit Police Department or anyone else issue speeding tickets along that stretch of road.

It's pretty clear that the City of Detroit believes they so much cash that they don't need to worry about the potential revenue from things like traffic tickets. Therefore, the Detroit Police aren't worrying about it.

I have to say, though, that it's nice that the Detroit Police are so neighborly as to let other police departments come into a city overflowing with cash like Detroit it and a little extra make money for themselves.

Disappointed in Charles Pugh

Once upon a time, I saw a lot of potential in Charles Pugh. Even after the debacle with his mortgage and his grandstanding orange peel video, I thought he had the potential for a long-term career as a political leader in Detroit.

I even struggled to support him his grandstanding "call to action" that didn't include him dealing with the City of Detroit's budget problems.

But then we had his current not-quite a sex scandal sex scandal with one of the young men that he mentored and his abrupt disappearance from public life when he was supposed to be at City Council meetings doing his job.

Once upon a time, I saw a lot of potential in Charles Pugh. Today, however, I simply have lawyer friends who see a lot of billable hours in him.

An Open Letter to Virginia Postrel

Will Van Gogh Go to Los Angeles?

I want to thank you, Ms. Virginia Postrel, for having the courage to say what so desperately needed to be said. As you pointed out in your most recent column for Bloomberg View, Vincent Van Gogh's Self-Portrait with Straw Hat really would be much better off in Los Angeles than it ever would be at its current residence in Detroit.

Many of my fellow Detroiters, of course, will disagree with this assertion. Nancy Kaffer wrote a blog piece this afternoon in which she pointed out that, on a per capita basis, there are more Detroiters who visit the Detroit Institute of Arts than there are Los Angelenos who visit the J. Paul Getty Museum.

Of course, you and I know that isn't why Van Gogh's work - and all of the other great masterpieces that Detroit has been holding hostage for generations - would be so much better off in Los Angeles. These artworks would simply get better exposure in Southern California than they ever could in the Motor City.

I mean, think of the opportunities that shipping these priceless masterpieces out west would represent to art lovers everywhere.

• The art could be featured on NCIS: Los Angeles and other great television shows. A super villain, who would no doubt be British, could steal one of these masterpieces while in transit, only to have our heroes recover it exactly three seconds before it's sold to a Middle Eastern art dealer as part of a plot to finance another Al-Qaeda attack.
• Or maybe it could be featured in Fast & Furious 27 - where the gang has to steal the prize of the Getty collection in order to pay for their monthly prescriptions
• Or, if we're really, really lucky then maybe this artwork will be the star of a new reality television. Contestants could spend hours trying to paint Van Gogh's other ear onto his portrait. In order to keep it up to the current standards for television, though, those contestants will have to do so using nothing more than their genitals.

Of course, I regret to inform you, Ms. Postrel, that the biggest obstacle to bringing this art to California may actually be from Los Angelenos themselves. I took an informal poll of my friends and former classmates who live in Los Angeles.

They simply do no see you the opportunity that you and I see in this matter. Their most common reaction was, "You've got to be [expletive deleted] kidding me?"

It would appear that these individuals, including some native Los Angelenos, simply do not relish in the idea of exploiting another community's misfortune. They would rather get on an airplane, travel to Detroit, and see these great works of art where they currently are.

But don't worry, Ms. Postrel. I'm confident that after a few more columns, you'll be able to change their collective minds.

That is, of course, unless they were actually serious about boxing you up and shipping you back to Texas before you further embarrass the great city of Los Angeles.